Where am I?
How do i feel? Am i happy? Is this the correct decision? Could anything be improved?
Whats the next move? Do i miss home?
These are questions constantly running through my mind and i’m going to try to answer them somehow. It maybe a bit jumbled as these answers are coming straight out of my head onto paper. However i’m hoping that writing this it may help with my understanding of where i am.
I generally feel that i’m in the region of attaining happiness and being happy all the time. As when i living in England, i did feel depressed and had no energy to continue with anything just wanting the world to stop. However i feel that was a mixture of things such as wanting to come back here, no job, getting rejected from jobs and no day to day routine so everything was just piling on and you sit there and you think about life in its entirety and honestly it does begin to get you down, as i’m at an age in my life where the norm nowadays is to be in Uni. However i wasn’t and i felt like i was a waste of space. So now being here with a job and a routine it does make me happier as those thoughts can be placed at the back of your head and ignored for rainy days and decisions. It’s not to say i’m walking around smiling and nor does it mean i’m walking around crying all the time. I’m like goldilocks and i’m just right. Which is nice, this feeling of contentment.
I do sometimes have to force myself to spend money though. Such as last night i was freaking out at the idea of having spent $9 on a delicious two course meal of steak and chips and then ice cream. (Already breaking my promise to go full native) Though I have to say it was flippin’ amazing! I have to constantly remind myself that i can spend money and not worry too much about it. As whats the point of working and saving the money for that ‘day’ you have to use it every once in a while. And boy did i use it for the right thing. I must be the exact opposite of those who get that release of endophorins when they spend money and there’s me convulsing on the ground after spending $9! I think i maybe spending more this weekend though which may end up being a fair bit! Football shoes, a suitcase that isn’t my massive one (for a couple days public holiday in two weeks i think i might be going down to Sihanoukville) and then a portable dvd player....Now i’m buying one of these because my wifi is awful so can’t stream stuff, my tv can’t be heard over the rain and then on top of that it is rainy season so i wont be going and playing football much or doing anything at all really...so i’m buying one to sit and watch english TV with. The titles im buying with it are ‘friends, True Detective (heard good things about it, I’m looking at you person in particular if it’s bad i will not be happy ;), Mrs Brown boys (been watching clips on youtube and seems hilarious) and finally Game of Thrones latest season. So i’ve sold it to myself, you can’t stop me Mum! So that’s going to be some money being spent i just hope it works out all okay. Eek!
Anyway back to answering questions for the time being i do feel as though this is a step in the right direction for myself, i am learning about myself and it’s certainly been interesting as i have learnt, how i learn best- which is to say it a couple of times and write it down. Bit useless now i’m not taking any exams but never mind. I’m fulfilling a dream of speaking another language, i just think its amazing how i can make a few different sounds with my mouth and people understand me, language i have always found fascinating so its nice to be putting in the effort of learning a different one. Not one that would be helpful exactly if i was to move back to England but i would be in a niche of people to speak it. So i know i’m moving at the moment in a generally right direction. Whereas in England when i was unemployed so many days were just filler of doing nothing which can be nice but not all the time...Now it’s work and live a bit, no offence to my friends at home but i didn’t do a lot with most of you because generally we lived miles apart or you were at uni and i had no money. Here though i see my friends everyday, play football and perhaps at the weekend i go for a drink and dinner with a load of them which is great and i’m always welcomed even though i may not understand what all of them say but i love every minute!
Could anything be improved......... My single complaint to be honest is that my guesthouse could be a bit better, as at the moment, every day i come back from school they are drinking
‘Gregory, drink with us!’ they call
‘No, sorry i don’t like beer.’ Is my go-to reply
I then go to play football after i come back two hours later they are still there. I then go shower and rest for a bit. In that time i get hungry so then i’m off for food. Again they call ‘Gregory, have one beer’ by this time they are all out of it.
‘No i need to eat first otherwise i’ll be drunk in seconds’ is another reply i give.
Most of the drinkers I’m generally friendly with but they aren’t my crowd, most times they have already got one guy to sit with them and he sits in silence. I suppose if you switch the perspective that’s what people may think of me with my friends at the weekend but then again i can speak a bit of khmer and generally fit in more with people around my age not like this one foreigner who is always with them. I couldn’t think of something more boring than sitting around, not talking and drinking. It’s a waste of life in my eyes! So yeah if i could improve it, they wouldn’t do that but its their culture so i cant deny them that. The only way i could improve it would be to move, but the location of where i live is fantastic, it’s nearby to everything and i have bought stuff that wouldn’t fit into my bag so maybe when i get this second suitcase i might have to start looking for somewhere or just another guesthouse. As they are so useful, clean my room for me, useful knowledge and friendly people. So it’s something to think about certainly.
Next move? Staying here for the time being, always looking for the next opportunity that may lead to not having to work again, that’s the dream obviously but its to generally trot along and learn khmer and stay happy with my simple little life. Which, to me, sounds good for the time being. I’m fulfilling my Maslow hierachy of needs so i’m content when any of those change or are fulfilled such as knowing enough khmer that i’m comfortable in any situation that’s when plans will be laid down to get out of here. That or when it takes me the same amount of time to eat a bowl of noodles with chopsticks as it does to eat a bowl of rice with a spoon! I think i will be safe for a while yet!
Yes i miss home, i miss the familiarity of everything, locations, weather, people or to be able to talk to someone about whats happening in the world and chat about it. Or talking with friends about past incidents and jokes, going to the movies with someone. Oh i should add i do miss my family as well! But i know i’m going to see them again at some point so it’s not a major issue that one. In all honesty i miss England a bit but its not at all crippling or going to stop me in my tracks any time soon! It’s going to be there whenever i come back so there’s no need for me to worry. I’m excited for the future i can’t focus on the past otherwise you get stuck, in the words of Walt Disney from ‘Meet the Robinsons.’ ‘Keep moving forward’ and i shall.
Nothing much more to add, maybe that answers some people questions i hope. Now that i have written over 1500 words i think i should get back to work before somebody notices what i have been doing. :)
Link of the day: Miami 2017 (Hopefully England doesn’t change as much as New York does in this song.) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Az1FSLfZxH4