Ort Jong Tov

Something I wrote after leaving Cambodia whilst on the plane.

Ort jong tov

That is something I have been saying a lot of recently. It means I don’t want to go. In all honesty, its how I feel and how I will feel for a good long while. As I am on the plane, Phnom Penh rapidly becomes smaller and the Khmer coverage lessens all the while England grows closer and university beckons. The confirmation of it all becomes far too real. I remember when I decided that I should go to university all those months ago; I would just get this overwhelming feeling of sadness as I would be going around Phnom Penh. It would be as if a comical cartoon cloud would come over me and rain on me for a little while. That cloud has grown and grown and now it’s constant.

University is nice and all but it’s not quite Cambodia is it?

More recently this is me:

I have no idea what to write. I want to write. I have a desire to write but I don't know what about. On top of this, I have a growing apathy for everything around me. I don't want to depress or distress people further about my feelings. I know I want to go back. That's all I can say. I worry that people might get upset if I say more. I don't know how to convey this feeling to someone. Perhaps you've already had it whether that's through a hard breakup or the loss of someone close to you. It's that feeling of longing. You want to be with them. I can rectify it easily. If it wasn't for this stupid bit of paper. This degree. It's infuriating. I have experience. Hire me off of that! Although if you want to go higher you need one, if you want to do this or do that, you need one. But maybe i can get away with doing that or this. Aaargh! It's all the time. It's constantly in my head. Arguing. It never stops. I just want to smash my head in at moments due to the indecisiveness of my brain! I can't switch it off for the life of me.

Not as poetic I'll admit. Catch you on the next one.